Original Message:

HI MY NAME IS JASON SNYDER, I AM REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THIS ORGANIZATION. I THINK IF EVERYONE WAS RAGING HOMOSEXUAL LIKE US WE COULD LIVE IN HARMONY WITH THE OCEANS AND LETS NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FISHES…TOO. COULD YOU SEND MORE INFORMATION ON SURFRIDER, I WOULD LIKE TO CREATE A NEW BRANCH THAT DEDICATED TO ANAL INFILITRATION AND WATER TITRATION.

Jason,

I’m sure you can do a better job than that! We don’t really mind the implied insult but we do wish it wasn’t so bereft of anything remotely clever. However, it’s hardly surprising considering the many spelling and grammar errors in your email. We’ve provided the correct usage so you can learn from your mistakes.

1) “I THINK IF EVERYONE WAS RAGING HOMOSEXUAL LIKE US WE COULD LIVE IN HARMONY WITH THE OCEANS…” You need to include the determiner “a” in front of “raging”. Also, you should really use “then” between “us” and “we”.

2) “… LETS NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FISHES…TOO” Where’s the apostrophe? The correct usage is “let’s”. It is a contraction of “let” and “us”. Also, there should be a comma after fishes not “…”

3) “I WOULD LIKE TO CREATE A NEW BRANCH THAT DEDICATED TO ANAL INFILITRATION AND WATER TITRATION.” This is just sad. This sentence is the big payoff line in your email and you spelled “infiltration” wrong!! You also forgot to use the verb “is” between “that” and “dedicated”. You could have used “that’s” instead, but as we’ve seen earlier you don’t have a good understanding of contractions. Using “titration” may have sounded funny to you because it contained the word “tit” (settle down, Beevis) but it doesn’t really make sense in the context of your email. Read the definition below and see if you can understand what I mean.

ti-tra-tion, noun: a method or the process of determining the concentration of a dissolved substance in terms of the smallest amount of a reagent of known concentration required to bring about a given effect in reaction with a known volume of the test solution; especially : the analytical process of successively adding from a burette measured amounts of a reagent to a known volume of a sample in solution or a known weight of a sample until a desired end point (as a color change) is reached.

4) Try using proper upper and lower case usage. Although not really necessary for casual email usage it is more effective if you’re really try to make a point.

I hope this was helpful to you. We’re looking forward to a new and improved insulting email from you in the future. Please try to make the next one funny if possible.

Thank you and have a nice day. You are so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence.