Nation’s Poor Win Election for Nation’s Rich
(from
Onion)
WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment
of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in
another presidential election last Tuesday, handing
control of the government to the rich and powerful
once again.
Bush and Cheney accept victory.
Above: Bush and Cheney accept victory.
“The Republican party—the party of industrial
mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers,
and the moneyed elite—would like to thank the
undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar
workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing
underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush
back into office,” Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush,
told reporters at a press conference Monday. “You have
selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted
against your own economic interest. For this, we
humbly thank you.”
Added Rove: “You have acted beyond the call of
duty—or, for that matter, good sense.”
According to Rove, the Republicans found strong
support in non-urban areas populated by the people who
would have benefited most from the lower-income tax
cuts and social-service programs championed by Kerry.
Regardless of their own interests, these citizens
turned out in record numbers to elect conservatives
into office at all levels of the government.
“My family’s been suffering ever since I lost my job
at the screen-door factory, and I haven’t seen a
doctor for well on four years now,” said father of
four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. “Shit, I don’t even
remember what a dentist’s chair looks like…
Basically, I’d give up if it weren’t for God’s grace.
So it’s good to know we have a president who cares
about religion, too.”
Kaldrin added: “That’s why I always vote
straight-ticket Republican, just like my daddy did,
before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head,
and just like his daddy did, before he died of
black-lung disease in the company coal mines.”
Kaldrin was one of many who listed moral issues among
their primary reasons for voting Republican.
Bush supporters vote in Kendall, FL.
Above: Bush supporters vote in Kendall, FL.
“Our society is falling apart—our treasured values are
under attack by terrorists,” said Ellen Blaine of
Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely
to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a
meteor. “We need someone with old-time morals in the
White House. I may not have much of anything in this
world, but at least I have my family.”
“John Kerry is a flip-flopper,” she continued. “I saw
it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might’ve
happened to my sons overseas if he’d been put in
charge?”
Kerry supporters also turned out in large numbers this
year, but they were outnumbered by those citizens who
voted for Bush.
“The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of
the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers
at its enormous base has never been stronger,” a
triumphant Bush said. “We have an understanding, them
and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help
them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may
think, the system works.”
Added Bush: “God bless America’s backwards hicks,
lunchpail-toting blockheads, doddering elderly, and
bumpity-car-driving Spanish-speakers.”